THE SECRET OF THEIR SUCCESS

Really, I don’t know why so many folks are annoyed with President Obama for saying that personal success is almost always a product of our system in America with the benevolent federal government leading the way. Certainly, that’s true and I will attempt to prove it based upon a brand new investigation of very successful folks.

New York Met pitcher R. A. Dickey was once a mediocre performer, but has become a star by perfecting the knuckleball. Word is that Nancy Pelosi took the pitcher aside and demonstrated just the right spin to put on his delivery. The former Speaker of the House is too modest to take credit, but does want to tax Mr. Dickey at a higher rate now that he’s a one-percenter.

Did you know that Clint Eastwood was a struggling actor until California Governor Jerry Brown taught him to squint and say things like “feeling lucky, punk?” Apparently Brown learned that phrase from his former girlfriend singer Linda Ronstadt, and generously passed it along to Mr. Eastwood. However, there is no truth to the rumor that Governor Brown’s autobiography will be entitled: “Dirty Jerry.”

She won’t admit it, but Lady GaGa’s career took off when New York Senator Chuck Schumer advised her to lose the poker face and “loosen up a little.” Taken aback by the blunt advice, the former Catholic schoolgirl took it to heart replacing her blue blazers with ripped fish net stockings and rhinestone halter-tops. The rest, of course, you know – but what you might not know is that Schumer was the inspiration for the GaGa hit: “Born This Way”.

Likewise, Simon Cowell. The Englishman was looking for a TV niche when he ran across Congressman Barney Frank who advised him to insult just about everybody and wear tight undershirts in public. After watching Frank on cable TV, Mr. Cowell adopted his scorched earth verbal style and, ever since, has amassed hundreds of millions of dollars. Fortunately for Cowell, when Frank also told him to invest in Fannie Mae, he declined, believing Fannie was an obscure rapper.

But the topper is LeBron James. As a kid in Akron, Ohio, LeBron was directionless, wandering around the boulevards looking for something to do. Then, one day, a suave stranger showed up on the playground and began shooting around with LeBron and his crew. The man showed the youngsters a variety of basketball moves, including the fade away jump shot. From the jump, LeBron was enthralled and thus began his steady climb to basketball greatness. That stranger’s name: Barack Obama!

About Your Uncle Fester

Lead sheepdog at Camp Keebler.
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